The cycle of violence

Let me start off by saying that I’m not saying this is the case, it just feels this way.  I’m saying that it’s eerily similar. I’m looking to see if anyone else has shared this type of experience.

I have been noticing lately that there seems to be a certain pattern to Gavin’s behaviors. I haven’t pointed this out to Lizze yet because I’m not sure I should.  Although,  she’ll be reading this at some point so I might as well.

For those of you that don’t know,  domestic violence is something that we,  in the Lost and Tired family take very seriously.

Both Lizze and Gavin are survivors of domestic violence at the hands of Lizze’s ex-husband (Gavin’s biological father). He was physically and emotionally abusive towards Lizze and Gavin was witness to everything. While her ex-husband was physically violent, his entire family was emotionally abusive and that can be just as bad.

I’ve been noticing that when Gavin gets in trouble,  after he settles down,  he wants to do nice things for us.

I know many of you are thinking, that he must be sorry and he’s wanting to show that. I have to say that I respectfully disagree. It’s more like manipulation.  There have been times in the past where we have let him off the hook because he went out of his way to do something nice for someone.

It feels like he’s aiming for the same result and it has nothing to do with being sorry or doing something nice.  It feels entirely self- serving.

This is where I want to be very clear that I’m describing how this feels.  I’m not in a position to say for sure what his intentions are, only what they feel like.

There is usually a pattern when it comes to domestic violence.  Something happens to set off the abuser.  The abuser hurts the “loved” one and blame them for their anger.  The abuser later feels “sorry“  (which is bullshit by the way) and does something nice for the abused,  in order to “make it up to them”. Finally,  the abuser promises never to do it again (which again is total bullshit).

Not everyone or every situation follows this pattern but it usually goes something like that.

This is what it feels like Gavin is doing.  No one believes he’s sorry and his intentions are self-serving.  He wants to say or do,  whatever it takes to keep himself out of trouble. It’s never about trying to right his wrongs.

I know this is difficult to accept.  I get emails all the time from people who don’t understand and or want to believe this.  I also receive emails from other people showing their support because they are going through the same thing with their child.

Once again,  this behavior has little if anything to do with him being autistic.  It has everything to do with his other mental health issues and being diagnosed with conduct disorder,  the precursor to sociopathy. This is very scary for Lizze and I as his parents.  No one wants this for their child.  Unfortunately,  some of us can do very little about it as there is literally nothing that can be done.

Having said that,  I know that those of you out there traveling the same path with their child would move heaven and earth to help their child and probably already have.