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Hello again.

I wanted to take a few minutes and share some more private things that I think are important. The reason I want to continue sharing this is because I don’t think there is anything to be ashamed of and I want to help combat the stigma associated with depression.

So here goes nothing Oh…and in case your interested in reading some of my past Confession posts look here.

I have been battling with depression for many years now…on and off. I was actually doing quite well and was off antidepressants for most of this year.

However, I began to struggle a few months ago. I became very….. preoccupied with my own morality and what would happen to my kids if something happened to me. Preoccupied is really an understatement, I was obsessed with my own mortality. I couldn’t stop worrying about my children’s future. I began fixating on things like freckles and would convince myself it was something like skin cancer. I knew that it wasn’t, but I couldn’t help the feeling of impending doom. I literally felt like I was going to die.

I realize what triggered this. Back in Feb of this year, I had an experience that I think, quite literally broke me and set in motion my little downward spiral.  You can read about that here.

I would go through periods of time where I was able to find my footing and begin to move forward again but then something would come along and yank the rug out from underneath me.

I found that as my life became more stressful, I began to decompensate  at a faster rate. I found it harder and harder to find my footing anymore. I felt that in most cases I was able to suffer in silence, meaning that I could still function but I was tormented by these thoughts and fears. Truth be told, I wasn’t compensating nearly as well I thought I had been. I was overwhelmed and constantly looking for reassurance that I wasn’t dying. I guess I hadn’t really noticed this because I was to wrapped up in the struggle to realize I was driving Lizze crazy.

I was still managing to pull everything off that needed to be done but I was beginning to drag everyone else down. Eventually, I realized that I could no longer manage on my own. I sat down with Lizze and told her that I wanted to get back on medication. I felt that it had become necessary for me to bump myself up the priority list and get help. Lizze was very supportive as usual and I got in to see my doctor.

In some weird, irrational way, I thought I would be letting my family down by getting back on antidepressants. I felt that with Lizze being so heavily medicated all the time for all of her health issues that I needed to be unmedicated to make sure that I was able to care for everyone. Noble intentions? Yes. Misguided? Absolutely. So, I have been on Paxil for about 4 months now. Things are going better and I’m no longer tormented by cyclical thinking, meaning I have been able to move passed the obsession thinking and worrying.

As things are becoming more and more stressful, I thought it would be good to talk to my doctor again. We decided to bump up the dosage and see how that helps. I think it will have a positive impact, especially going into the holidays and with all the associated stress.I hate the idea of being on medications again, but I’m so glad I made the decision to do so. My family deserved a better me and hopefully, that’s what they now have.

If you feel like you may be suffering from depression, please get help. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

For more information on depression please visit the Mayo Clinic website.