Autism, Aspergers, Rob Gorski,Special Needs Parenting, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Fibromyalgia,

Tag Archive: confession

Dec 17 2012

Confessions of a depressed #Autism Dad: 12/17/2012

It’s been awhile since my last confession. Having said that, I reached a milestone that I’m not proud of and I want to share this with all of you.  My goal with this is to continue opening a window into our lives but also, help someone if they happen to be dealing with the same thing.

I mentioned that I have reached a milestone. That milestone is my physical weight and I’m not happy with it at all.

10 years ago I was body building and in excellent physical condition. 

Between life happening, my poor coping skills and lack of motivation, I have reached 294lbs. Now, I don‘t necessarily look that heavy because of my previous body building but I certainly feel it.  To be completely honest, I’m ashamed and embarrassed by this. 

Truth be told, that’s one of the reasons that I’m not in very many pictures.  I’m really self conscious.

One of my big problems is that I can’t easily get out of the house anymore because of all that’s going on. In the rare cases that I can, I’m too tired to actually do anything. 

Another problem is that I’m depressed.  That of course, isn’t a secret.

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However, there’s only so much that medications can help you with and I fall into that category.  The anti-depression meds help. They actually help a great deal. Having said that, things are just so bad at times that they simply aren’t enough.

Between inadequate coping skills and lack of self control, I have turned to stress eating for comfort.

That I believe is my biggest problem at the moment. I really do try to watch what I eat. However, I think it’s the quantity of things that I eat, which is really contributing to the weight gain.

I’m really struggling with this and it sets a horrible example for my boys. 

I realize that sometimes, you have to do what you have to do, in order to survive. Truth be told, I think I hide behind that far to often.  It’s just too easy to justify my eating by saying that it will help me make it through the day. I also have a lot of days that I say something like, after the day I’ve had…………

There are a great many things I’m good at and there are also just as many that I struggle with. Coping with my life, in healthier ways, is definitely something I’m struggling with.

Granted, it could be worse. I mean, I don‘t drink, smoke or do drugs. 

However, my stress eating and subsequent body weight is definitely impacting not only me as a person but also a parent. I don‘t have the energy to do everything that needs done. 

My goal is to change this.  The first step towards my goal is to admit that I have a problem and go from there. 

I know what I need to do, it’s just reclaiming my self-control and discipline that I need to figure out. 

With 2013 rapidly approaching, I’m going to be focusing on improving myself, body and soul.  It’s not going to be easy at all however, my family is worth and so am I.

Permanent link to this article: http://lostandtired.com/2012/12/17/confessions-of-a-depressed-autism-dad-12172012/

May 02 2012

I have a confession to make: 05/02/2012

A few weeks ago,  the Easter Bunny brought the kids these plastic hollow animals,  filled with these tiny little candy balls.  When you push down on the head,  the animal poops out the candy into an Easter basket.

I’m not sure what the Easter Bunny was thinking but I would guess it had something to be really tired and stressed out.  Perhaps a little Lost and Tired;-)

I hate these stupid things. The head of the animals makes this constant noise.  In the case of the cow featured in this post,  it would moo constantly.  They are touch sensitive and so the damn thing would go off every time the boys would run around the house.

I couldn’t take it anymore.  I snapped. That goddamn cow would not stop mooing and Emmett has been carrying this thing around,  constantly asking if he can eat the cows poop.

I have been listening to that friggin cow for days now and I had all I could take. 

This evening,  I’m ashamed to say,  I did something about it. Emmett brought the cow with him to Dr. Patti tonight.  As he was getting into his car seat the cows head fell off.  I buckled Emmett in and snatched up the cows head,  which was mooing incessantly. 

I covered the speaker up with my hand and snuck it out of the van.  I hopped into the drivers seat and we were on our way. 

As we were driving to the appointment,  all the bad news of today and the stress of everything else finally broke me.  I rolled down my window and I waited for the perfect opportunity.  I chose my moment and I threw that goddamn cows head out the window and watched it bounce off the pavement and was eventually smash by a truck tire.

I will never hear that annoying and endless moo ever again.

Sometimes I have one of these moments and I freak out and kill an annoying plastic cow.  That’s pretty normal….right?

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**Thanks for reading**

       -Lost and Tired

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Posted from WordPress for Android so please forgive any typos as auto-correct and I don’t see eye to eye. :-)

Permanent link to this article: http://lostandtired.com/2012/05/02/i-have-a-confession-to-make-05022012/

Nov 10 2011

Confessions of a depressed, special needs father

Hello again.

I wanted to take a few minutes and share some more private things that I think are important. The reason I want to continue sharing this is because I don’t think there is anything to be ashamed of and I want to help combat the stigma associated with depression.

So here goes nothing :-) Oh…and in case your interested in reading some of my past Confession posts look here.

I have been battling with depression for many years now…on and off. I was actually doing quite well and was off antidepressants for most of this year.

However, I began to struggle a few months ago. I became very….. preoccupied with my own morality and what would happen to my kids if something happened to me. Preoccupied is really an understatement, I was obsessed with my own mortality. I couldn’t stop worrying about my children’s future. I began fixating on things like freckles and would convince myself it was something like skin cancer. I knew that it wasn’t, but I couldn’t help the feeling of impending doom. I literally felt like I was going to die.

I realize what triggered this. Back in Feb of this year, I had an experience that I think, quite literally broke me and set in motion my little downward spiral.  You can read about that here.

I would go through periods of time where I was able to find my footing and begin to move forward again but then something would come along and yank the rug out from underneath me.

I found that as my life became more stressful, I began to decompensate  at a faster rate. I found it harder and harder to find my footing anymore. I felt that in most cases I was able to suffer in silence, meaning that I could still function but I was tormented by these thoughts and fears. Truth be told, I wasn’t compensating nearly as well I thought I had been. I was overwhelmed and constantly looking for reassurance that I wasn’t dying. I guess I hadn’t really noticed this because I was to wrapped up in the struggle to realize I was driving Lizze crazy.

I was still managing to pull everything off that needed to be done but I was beginning to drag everyone else down. Eventually, I realized that I could no longer manage on my own. I sat down with Lizze and told her that I wanted to get back on medication. I felt that it had become necessary for me to bump myself up the priority list and get help. Lizze was very supportive as usual and I got in to see my doctor.

In some weird, irrational way, I thought I would be letting my family down by getting back on antidepressants. I felt that with Lizze being so heavily medicated all the time for all of her health issues that I needed to be unmedicated to make sure that I was able to care for everyone. Noble intentions? Yes. Misguided? Absolutely. So, I have been on Paxil for about 4 months now. Things are going better and I’m no longer tormented by cyclical thinking, meaning I have been able to move passed the obsession thinking and worrying.

As things are becoming more and more stressful, I thought it would be good to talk to my doctor again. We decided to bump up the dosage and see how that helps. I think it will have a positive impact, especially going into the holidays and with all the associated stress.I hate the idea of being on medications again, but I’m so glad I made the decision to do so. My family deserved a better me and hopefully, that’s what they now have. :-)

If you feel like you may be suffering from depression, please get help. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

For more information on depression please visit the Mayo Clinic website.

Permanent link to this article: http://lostandtired.com/2011/11/10/confessions-of-a-depressed-special-needs-father/

Mar 26 2011

Confessions of a special needs parent…

I thought it might be helpful for me to get a few things off my chest. I carry around enough stress on a daily basis that I don’t need to burden myself with more then I have to. I also want everyone to see what happens to many special needs families like mine. Maybe you can learn something from me and use it to avoid this from happening to you.

Please note I have a very narrow focus for this post. This is not directed at my parents or in-laws.

Confessions of a special needs parent:

I’m angry, hurt, resentful and just plain PISSED OFF… I’m the oldest of 6 kids.and my confession is that I feel we have been abandoned by them.  I have been there for EVERY SINGLE one of them COUNTLESS times throughout their lives. My blog gets 50-60,000 hits a month so far this year. I literally have hundreds and thousands of emails and messages. Do you know how many of them are from my siblings……….ZERO. We are living through something that most people will never experience and fewer would survive my own brothers and sisters pay no attention to us. Lizze just recently have major surgery. Do you know how many phone calls we received from my siblings combined……ONE. I suspect that some didn’t even know she has had surgery. Maybe that’s why they didn’t call to make sure she was okay. How many times do we get a phone call from any of them just checking in to see if we are doing all right…….ZERO. How about even checking in on their nephews…….ZERO. I literally CANNOT remember the last time ANYONE made ANY effort to spend time with one of my kids. Do you know how much that hurts? Elliott doesn’t even remember some of their names and that just kills me. Recently a few of them traveled across several STATES to go visit my sister. If they can find the time to do that, why can’t they find the time to visit us? We live 10 minutes away. No one even returns my phone calls most of the time. Everyone is just to busy with their own lives to worry about us.. I could understand if they didn’t even see each other but they do. I see the Facebook updates and the pictures of parties and tailgates. Maybe our lives are just to complicated for them to handle. All I know is that we are living through extremely challenging times and can use all the help and support we can get. I thought that’s what family was for….maybe I was wrong. I’m sure I will be upsetting some people by writing this but it’s the truth and that’s what matters. I don’t even care anymore because I just have to much on my plate to even attempt to make anyone think that I’m okay with this. I’ve brought it up before and nothing changes. I’m tired of trying to make everyone else feel better. What about how I feel?

It’s gotten to the point where I want to just pick up and move some where far away. Maybe then I could rationalize why no one seems to find the time for us. I could always think to myself that “they would be here for us if we lived closer”. Living just 10 minutes away doesn’t allow for such rationalization. It’s a much harsher reality to know that we just don’t seem to make the cut. Brown’s games and tailgating is more important then being there when your family needs you the most. I’m honestly at a loss as to what else I could say. I’m hurt, angry and I feel abandoned, all things I would never do to them. Maybe my expectations are to high. Maybe it’s unfair of me to expect anyone to want to be a part of our lives. I know it isn’t easy but I would like to think that we are worth the effort. At least my kids would be worth the effort.

Even the Lost and Tired family isn’t immune to this type of loss. I wish I could say that this type of thing rarely occurred but that wouldn’t be true. It happens to families like mine every single day. Our lives are already made challenging enough. Why do we have to lose so much? Why can’t people see that we can still offer something meaningful to their lives?

If you are reading this and you know a family like mine, please don’t let this happen to them. It takes a lot of strength and patience to be there for a special needs family. I promise you that it’s worth it and the impact you can have on their lives simply because you stick by them is immeasurable. Please learn from what has happened to us and countless others. If you know a special needs family pick up the phone and let them hear a friendly voice. Give them someone to vent to. Let them know that they aren’t alone…..

 

-lost and tired

 

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Permanent link to this article: http://lostandtired.com/2011/03/26/confessions-of-a-special-needs-parent/

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