Dear God,

Please help me to understand because I don’t.

I’ve had migraine headaches since I was pregnant with Gavin. That’s 13 years now, in case you lost track. I’ve lived with this curse. I’ve learned to function with them. I’ve found a way to fight my way through the pain, at the expense of myself and those closest to me. Only to have my country tell me that they are “simply headaches and everyone gets headaches”. Only to have them get worse now, after 13 years.

Why?!

I suppose I should feel lucky – and I’m sure some will tell me I should – because I’ve made it this long with the pain maintaining a status quo even if the frequency has increased. But I don’t feel lucky and I won’t. I can’t. How can I when I’m now losing sleep because of them? How can I when I’m now waking up and making a mad dash for my Zofran, praying – to you ironically enough – that I take it in time to avoid vomiting. I’ve never vomited from a migraine before but that’s all changed now.

Now my anti-nausea medications rarely work. Now I can’t eat because it all sits heavy and tastes horrible because of the pain in my head and the nausea in my stomach.

Now I am making mad dashes for the bathroom, the kitchen sink, the shower room tub, anywhere away from Rob and the Boys so that I might be alone when I lose the contents of my stomach.

I read somewhere once that migraine sufferers vomit to help release the pressure in our heads. That vomiting is actually supposed to help the pain. Why doesn’t it help mine?

I’m losing weight because of the pain. Because I can’t eat. Because I can’t keep food down.

God, help me.

Please!

What am I supposed to do?

It’s so bad that I tried to take my pain medication and anti-nausea medication a little while ago and I had to physically fight to get the pills down. And then I had to fight again to keep them down. I almost lost the battle at one point. How long am I supposed to go on like this?

While we have this open dialog going, God, there are a few more things I would like to ask you about, if you don’t mind.

I’ve heard – repeatedly – that you never give anyone more than they can handle – and while that’s a lovely sentiment, it would be really nice if you could put your trust and faith into someone else for a while. I mean no disrespect when I say that. I’m merely asking for a break in the seemingly endless onslaught of crap.

I had a therapist tell me once…

Elizabeth, everyone gets crap. Some get a little bit of crap at time, in a steady onslaught. (Like me.) Some get a little bit of crap here and a little bit of crap there but they get bigger loads of crap than the first person because it’s spaced out. Then there are the people who get big, heaping loads of crap in 50 gallon drums at a time. (This would be my ex-husband.)

While I don’t want to be either of the other two people because I can hardly handle being me, I don’t know how I would survive with larger loads then I already have.

I need a break!

ROB NEEDS A BREAK!

We are breaking. Crumbling. Falling apart at the seams, slowly but surely, from the constant onslaught of crap.

While we are on the topic of breaking, crumbling and falling apart…I’m not sure you knew what you were doing when you gave me this life. No offense (and yes, I understand that I just told you I don’t think you know/knew what you were doing) but honestly, I sincerely think you missed the mark on this one.

I can barely hold it together under the strain and pressures of my illnesses. Then you add three children with basic special needs. Then you add major health issues for two of those children. I’m drowning and I haven’t even gotten to our living situation, lack of support (save a few people), or our financial situation.

You’ve given me too much for any one person and thank you for sending me Rob so at least I’m not alone. Even still, you’ve given us too much for two people. We are buckling under the pressure of it all.

God, please help me.

Help me to carry these “burdens” better, more effectively, more gracefully, more patiently, more compassionately.

I am not a very good mother or wife. I am not a very effective, patient or compassionate member of my family partly because of the pain (not all the time but sometimes, on days like today) and partly because I’m just in so far over my head. I want to be better for my family. They deserve better than the wife and mother they are current living with.

I am not a very good daughter or grand-daughter. I am not very appreciative or faithful. I should visit my grand-parents. They are both within a 5-10 minute drive so there’s really no excuse. And someday I will wish I had gone to see them both more than I have but it will be too late.

I am not a very good friend either. I am not a very good listener nor am I very patient or faithful. I should call my friends more than I do. I need to maintain my friendships because they aren’t going to maintain themselves and I only have a very few friends, whom I can’t afford to lose – nor do I want to because I love them dearly and for once in my life I’ve found people who actually accept me for me, as I am. Which is something I’ve never had before.

God, please help me to survive this and maybe ever learn to live and not just survive.

Please help me to understand.

Please help me.

Elizabeth